A Decade in the new millenium....

I am proud of who I am

I am proud of the person I have become

and as another year has come and gone

I have done a lot of growing as an individual.

I'd have to say 2009

has been my most....interesting yet exciting year.

I have had my ups and downs

just as anyone would have.

I graduated from high school back in may,

I traveled a lot this summer,

I was in love,

I had my heart broken,

I became stronger,

I started college,

I have gone on adventures and explored,

I have met new people that have become life long friends,

&

overall,

I am in love with myself.

This year,

I have finally opened my eyes to myself

and have been able to scream out

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM EXTRAORDINARY!

Furthermore,

I am thankful for E V E R Y O N E

who has touched my life.

I do not care if you are no longer in my life,

I do not care if I no longer communicate with you.

I do not care if we are not on the best of terms.

I do not care if I talk to you every second of the day.

I do not care if I just met you at the coffee shop.

....I love you. I love you all with my entire heart.

You are all special, you are all powerful, you are all beautiful, and you all have the capabilities

to do whatever you wish in this lifetime.

And I challenge you to make the best of your life,

never stop moving!

I thank the universe everyday for my blessings. I appreciate everything & everyone I have. I am thankful for what is to come in the new year & the years to come.

For the new year,

I am not going to

set the typical new years resolutions

where I say I want to lose 15 lbs(although that would be nice)

or I want to get a new car by June

or I want to learn how to speak a new language by the end of 2010

or whatever.

For this new year,

I want to get out in the world

and really discover and find myself in this world.

I want to prove to the world

that I am strong and capable of withstanding anything

that is thrown at me.

That's what I really want to get out of this new year.

&

I am really excited for it.

My brother will be graduating from high school,

my sister will probably grow some more and end up

towering me even more(big surprise),

I'm turning 20 this year(weird) & will be going to school in New Zealand in the near future,

I have plenty of traveling coming up,

and I am ready to take it all in.

I love my life.

I love you.

So bring it on!

XOXO,

Miss K.D.

The Little Things...

I have found myself missing the little things

that I used to enjoy when I lived in the state of Arizona.

I miss driving 70 on the freeway while blasting, what used to be, the edge.

I miss being able to find a Jamba Juice within 5 minutes of my house.

I miss hanging and having jam sessions with my friends.

I miss having chill kick-backs underneath the stars.

More recently,

I have been asking myself why I moved away from it all?

I thought I would gain some sort of adventure out of the whole thing

but I really haven't.

The one I love is there.

My best friend is there.

Here in the state that I reside,

I can surround myself with a thousand people

but I still feel so alone

I feel like I can't relate or identify with the culture here

I have tried to assimilate

but still

I lack the sense of fun and love here.

I often find myself outside in nature

(which is one of the reasons, I suppose, why I love living here)

thinking....

I am always thinking about the direction I have decided to take with my life

and now I am questioning it.

I am questioning whether I really like the way I am going,,.

Before,

I have always been so sure of myself. I had myself set on a specific path

&

have done everything within my power to keep from diverting from that path.

But now,

I want to go off-roading from that path and find something new, more exciting.

I am so sick of doing the same thing day after day, month after month.

I am tired of following what others tell me what I should and should not be doing.

I want to go out into the world and prove to the world what I am and will be.

And I want to do it now!

Unfortunately,

I will listen to what others continue to tell me what is best.

I will most likely stick to this path I have set upon.

I don't want to, but I will.

Even if I am slowly sacrificing my happiness as I progress.

As far as Arizona,

it is a memory that I look back upon.

It is a memory that makes me smile and laugh.

When I have opportunities I do return to that memory

and see my love & my friends & family.

But these are just the little things that makes a girl like me happy....

My description....

I found the song

The Song that describes me perfectly.

"Slow ME down"-Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing and running in circles Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning Getting nowhere  My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it Try to appear like I've got it together I'm falling apart  Save me Somebody take my hand, and lead me Slow me down Don't let love pass me by Just show me how 'Cause I'm ready to fall Slow me down Don't let me live a lie Before my life flys by I need you to slow me down  Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear In the blur of fast forward I faulter again Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep I'm getting nowhere  All that I've missed I see in the reflection Passed me while I wasn't paying attention Tired of rushing, racing and running I'm falling apart  Tell me Oh won't you take my hand and lead me Slow me down Don't let love pass me by  Just show me how 'Cause I'm ready to fall Slow me down Don't let me live a lie Before my life flys by I need you to slow me down  Just show me I need you to slow me down  The noise of the world is getting me caught up Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it Just need to breathe, somebody please Slow me dow

An endless circle of emotion...

Together my thoughts mesh and weave
to the point where I can no longer breathe
I can't describe the way I feel
because I feel something so unreal

I just want to be happy...

The following song describes exactly how I feel:

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

"Happy"-Leona Lewis

I don't ask for much...

Respect, by definition, is the act of showing regard or consideration for someone or something.

It's something I like to show towards people
&
it's something I like to have in return.

I guess respect is something we all E V E N T U A L L Y understand

but some of us never do

which sets people at completely variant maturity spectrums

Overall,

I do not like to ask for things

I like to work for things that I want

rather than just have things handed to me

but I am going to ask for one thing

I want respect

It drives me crazy that

a particular someone would USE a friend

to probe and dig for dirt

just because a certain someone is feeling vindictive.

Get over it.

There is no dirt to be found

I never hurt the ones I love or have loved

because I am classy

So respect me

Respect my life

A certain someone walked out of my life

and expects to be able to walk right back in

those doors are shut

but in order for me to MAYBE

crack a window

Respect is essential

And that's all I ask.

P.S.
Don't disrespect and abuse a friendship
because soon
I am going to reach
a breaking point

With love,
A woman with endless thoughts

I will never let you fall...

we all get lost in our spectrum of emotions

But it's what makes us stronger

and why we hold on a little bit longer

Unfortunately,

some of us

let go of that strength though

But I will never let you fall...

And

Some of us held onto it with every last ounce of love possible;

Those of us who stayed strong have a driving force within our

souls

And

Those who have given up

feed off the strength of those who are strong

and never learn how to stand alone in the breaking winds

But I will never let you fall...

I have never been one to allow someone to influence my thoughts

or my actions

I have learned to stand and F I G H T for what I want in this lifetime

Others feel that they can't do that

They feel that they have to turn into the darkness of fear

I provide a light so it's impossible to turn to that fear

Not everyone can reach or see that light

But I will never let you fall...

Anyone can get where I am now

Anyone can feel the happiness I have now

because that light and warmth I provide will always be illuminated

Because I will never let you fall...

The Show...

They all have names

and they all have their faces

They have all touched my life

and have tied my laces

So...

One has his fears and tears

but hides behind it

He puts a show on 

because they like it

Another shines within the lines

and others don't seem 

to mind it

One had my heart 

but somehow he dropped it

but I made through strong and true

even though I was broken

One other sings the songs he wrote

and taught me through and through

that All I need

 is to stand on my

own two feet

Have I another 

and he is like my brother

We have laughed and we have cried

and he is my greatest in my life

I have My brother 

who has my back 

through think and thin

and he is more tight than any other

The love of my life exists

one way or another

he is in my dreams and will never leave

because we are not meant for any other.

Stand strong and be proud of who you are

love and be loved by all others

open your heart and stand together

and shine and just be who you are

because you love it

Interaction...

Someone asked me today if seeing people in love made me mad or sad?

I thought about it.

In a way yes, I am envious but I still didn't feel the emotions of madness or sadness.

I thought some more about.

And in a way, it makes me happy to see it.

I love to see Love

I especially love to see it between two people

who are absolutely head over heels in love with each other.

It's like a warmth a illuminates off love.

It fills my heart with happiness and beauty.

It reminds me of what I have had

and what I Have

Seeing the interaction of love between two beings

just reminds me of the beautiful things in life.

It makes me smile

laugh

and

cry

So why be mad or sad if you see someone who is in love?

I think it's kind of a stupid question to be honest. The question should be

Why aren't you happy when you seen people in love?

Of course, when you think about

in that way

You may answer that you have recently broken up with a boyfriend, or a girlfriend.

Or that you have never had a boyfriend/girlfriends and you overly jealous of that.

Or that you miss your significant other because he or she is not around at the moment.

I just take it as an opportunity to feel good. To feel happy. To find beauty.

Because I know I am loved.

I may not have a young gentleman interest next to me.

I may not be able to hold someone's hand.

But I know. He's out there. I know. I have people out there who love me.

I'm just a butterfly that has fallen once, but has taken flight again.

And I am determined to never let someone flick me down ever again.

I have love.

Already Gone

I can't state this any plainer. I heard this song and it perfectly describes how I feel.

Already Gone- Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, Oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone...

you know this is about you...

and you know

I will always love you....

I'm sorry I can't Just be friends....

My Beauty

I enjoy finding the beauty in the little things that surround my life.

I love discovering beauty

in a lightbulb

on the bark of a tree

in the clouds that surround a sunset

in the music I listen to as I dream

on the wings of a butterfly

in the love I feel

Beauty makes the soul

realize that there is a reason for life

a reason to keep going

even when life doesn't seem all that grand

It brings about emotions

happiness

sorrow

elation

ease

Beauty is what illuminates a smile

Beauty is what composes art

Beauty is what brings about love

It is such a powerful thing

I know

that every person

who walks upon this dirty Earth

is Beautiful

For a long time,

I never found myself to be one

that was capable of being beautiful.

I never accepted myself

I was never comfortable with myself

People have been telling me all my life that

I am beautiful

and that I should just accept it

but I refused.

Beautiful people did things with their lives

Beautiful people are successful

Beautiful people have love in their lives

But now

it's different

It's like I woke

up today

without make-up

without my hair glammed up

and I looked at myself

and I thought about what and who I am

and realized

I am one of those beautful people.

I finally am happy with myself.

Everyone out there is beautiful

and I was so stupid to think that I wasn't a part of that.

And now,

I love to find beauty in the little things

because

life is too short to leave beauty

unnoticed

Caterpillar.Butterfly.Caterpillar.

Within the last

few hours

I went from a Butterfly to a Caterpillar

how does that work?

Well when I was younger t

I was just a Caterpillar

ready to be released from my cocoon

and i was released

by a magnificent person

we laughed

we played

we sang

we danced

I became his butterfly

I flew high

I explored

I learned

I taught

My wings became more radiant over time

as I learned more about myself

Then true love was ignited

I felt like I could fly the highest of all the butterflies

I felt like I was the most beautiful of all the butterflies

and I felt that in his eyes

I was those things

I was slapped down

not very long ago

it was him asking to just

be his Caterpillar again

And I thought....

how does that work?

I can't just go back.

So I flew away.

I'll return one day

but for now

I am flying somewhere

and maybe I will be back

and maybe I won't

It's my life

and I am a butterfly

waiting to be loved...

The Most Frustrating Thing...

Don't you hate it when you can't put something into words?

Isn't that... frustrating?

Don't you hate it when your heart is breaking and you do not know how to stop it?

You can just feel it, splitting down the middle, leaving splinters in your chest

as more and more tension

is applied.

Isn't that.... frustrating?

Or if someone wishes to hear your thoughts

but you simply cannot put them into context

because they are all scrambled around in your head

to the point

that words can no longer

describe what your thoughts really are?

That's frustrating... right?

I hate it when I cannot explain myself

I hate it when I cannot share my feelings

because it is all bottled up in my mind.

I guess I can explain myself

but not with words

oh most definitely not with words

sometimes words end up being the most powerful thing

my mind can conjure up

and sometimes words leave my head on go on vacation

but I can always rely on explaining myself with music

or my photography

or sometimes I even draw -which is very rare.

But you see, it's frustrating...

I am at a lost

people find me as weak when I cannot

explain my opinions

or

I am viewed as an arrogant B*&^##H

when I can explain myself

and then when I produce my works of art

they think I am amazing

and/or they think it is either beautiful or a piece of junk

but they don't get it....[they being people in general]

I am so unsure of myself

I am so lost

My heart is slowly breaking

I am in love

I am sad

I am happy

I am scared

I am brave

but,

most of all

I

Am

Frustrated

and I am wanting my relief

and hopefully that will come one day

And

I am not trying to feel sorry for myself

I am not wallowing

in self pity

I just wish someone could relate to how I am feeling

and perhaps someone else feels as I do

but life goes on

and with life

I will go with it...

My job as a cashier in a grocery store....

My job at the community grocery store is quite boring 

but it is also quite interesting....

By interesting, i get to intereact with all sorts of people

I get to interact with people that are of my age

I get to interact with people from school (faculty, upper classmen, lower classmen etc)

I get ineteract with old vets that were involved in the Vietnam War( he always asks me what my point of view is on the War in Iraq. I then correct him in saying that it is not a war since Congress did not officially declare it a war, just like Vietnam[he always gets a crack out of my smart ass comment] and I explain to him that the U.S. is jsut using the name of "War in Iraq" or  "War Againt Terror'' as a cover up to distract the American public from what it really and simply is...Imperialism for the benefits of our own interests. Then we talk more and more about political ideologies and other things. The Vietnam vet is probably my favorite person who comes through my register just because I love having govt. conspiracy theory conversations with him.)

I get to interact with a hippie that always wears a Beatles t-shirt (he claims he has a whole dresser filled with old beatles t-shirts from when he was a teen during the 60s [I totally believe him since I have never seen him wear the same Beatles tee twice{he also happens to look exactly like John Lennon no joke. He has the hair, the glasses, and he sounds kinda like him}]

I get to intereact with old ladies who constantly scowl at me because I do not attend church[they have been trying to get me to go to church, like everyone else in this small town since I moved here]

I get to interact with rude people who treat me like I am stupid (but in reality I end up being smarter than them. Plus I am not the one who is using food stamps and living off the govt's money. Food stamps and welfare pisses me off!)

I get to interact with extremely nice people who treat me nicely(like there is this cool photographer dude who comes through every once and a while and we talk about photography and al the places he has been and how it's hard aming it through the real world as an artist. He is my second favorite person that comes through my line)

I get to interact with cute old ladies who try to strut their stuff with their red hair and louis vuitton purses(they are so sweet and they always come in pairs and shop together. I think they must be in some club, but we talk about the latest louis vuitton and coach and gucchi and I always bring up how the Dior BlackOut Masquera is the best stuff in the whole wide world)

Overall, 

Every person is unique in a way

no one ever looks the same

and no one ever acts the same

Some people are just plain stupid 

and others are extremely interesting and intelligent

some look absolutely heartbroken when I am assisting them

and others look jolly and loveable

And that's my job as a cashier...

People are interesting...

Reccently I have began to notice people. 

Not like noticing a girl wearing an extremely short skirt down the hall or a teacher smelling like an old rabbit

I have just noticed the characteristics of people

from the cocky teenagers to the most conservative faculty memebers to the weird hippies that come through my register at work

Unfortuantely, I have been put into some classes that are at a sophmore level because of the graduation requirments at my new school I started in Colorado versus the graduation requirments in Arizona

And in those sophmore classes (versus the usual senior honor level classes) I can not stand the people in there

Now I am not saying all the people in those classes are annoying or irratating because a few of them are pretty cool

but the immaturiy and the cocky-ness is one of the most annoying things I have ever encountered

Especially in my trigonometry class, there is this junior who thinks she is so smart and knows more than the teacher and talks and talks which then distracts me. She is also extremely rude, immature, and stuck up. For example, my trig teacher will be showing an example to the class on the white board and then the junior girl will try to point out a mistake made by my teacher. Well what she ends up doing is instead being completely wrong, confuses the rest of the class, and I sit back thinking about how much I wish I could duct tape her mouth for all of eternity.

Then later on in the day I have an independent  study advanced placement english class - quite a mouthful, wouldn't you say?- and to get to that class I have to pass through the dreadful freshmen hallway. Now what makes this hallway so horrifying is that the freshmen are ignorant and moronic. They just stand in the hallway and block the flow of people trying to get through. Once i found a group of freshmen create a human chain andd completely blocked the hallway. It was so immature and frustrating. Oh how i long to tie their arms and legs all together so that they could no longer be in my way. 

Throughout the day, i have the tendency to show up to my classes really early. Now i don't show up early because I fear of being late or anything. When I am at school, i get in the zone and my mind only revolves around getting my work done and then leaving as soon as possible. So when we have our fifteen minute breaks and such, I don't take that break and I use that time to read or study other things.  I am labeled a loner or a goody good or perhaps a nerd for just using my time to work rather than socialize at all. But I do not care about socializing at school, I just want to get my work done and leave. 

Also, I notice the members of the faculty. Some of the faculty members are extremely crazy and outgoing. Others are more conservative and some are more reserved. I prefer conversing with my teachers over anyone of my class or the lower classes just because I feel like I can indulge in a real and thoughtful conversation with someone. Meaning by real conversation, I can discuss a real topic (ie- politics, religious ideals, etc) with an adult rather than the usual teenage gossip and drama that won't matter next week or a year from now. 

I also like listening to people. What they talk about sometimes is absolutely stupid or hilarious. I do realize eavesdropping is not a good thing to do but a person cannot help it no matter how hard he or she may try. But people are quite entertaining and I love observing people. I know how weird that sounds, but from an artist's point of view I learn more from watching and listening to people that I do from reading a book or listening to a lecture. 

I simply find people to be interesting...