So last night as I was talking to Tyler, our conversation had gotten to the topic of my living situation that I still need to figure out. Just a little background, my Mom has gotten a new job which then means that we need to relocate to Colorado. This move is a hard decision for me because it's my senior year and I would then also be moving away from Tyler. In essence, Tyler's family has offered a place for me to stay with them and so have many other friends of mine along with family members.
In essence, people have been pushing and pulling me in different directions about where I should live and what would be best for me. The majority of my family would like me to move to Colorado because it would better my advances for my career. If I stay where I currently reside then I get to spend my final year of high school with my friends and Tyler.
Back to the conversation of last night, I had said I was confused about the whole living situation dilemma thing I'm in. And Tyler essentially told me that everything will work out and that I need to have my trust in God. So that made me realize that I am not confused, but I am honestly lost.
I have lost my faith within myself and I have lost it within God.
I remember how sure of myself I used to be. I was labeled as one of the over-achieving smart kids at the very beginning of my freshmen year. I will admit that I was smart, I was a gifted violinist without ever taking a private lesson, I was a talented photographer in the darkroom, I would have an answer for almost any question some addressed to me whether I truly knew the answer or not. But now, I do not know where that confidence has gone? I still ask questions but I don't take the knowledge I gain from those questions any further. I am just quiet about my opinions now instead of voicing them like I used to. I just don't know what happened to me as I got older, you'd think I would have gained even more knowledge and confidence but that didn't happen...
As far as my loss of faith in God, I still believe in the entity but I can't make any true sense out of revolving my life around God. I stopped going to church when I was about 15 years old, but if someone ever tells me again that's where my faith stopped that's bull shit. I had lost faith in people, not God. When I ask questions that can not be answered through the bible, I would be shoved away so then I would question it even further but no answer was composed. Therefore I sought no other reason to go to church where I couldn't really learn anything there. Also, don't tell me that I lost my faith because I don't read my bible because I know that's bull shit as well. I see the bible more like Aesop's Fables, how everything is about choosing the right morals to live by. I have read parts of the bible but I have not completed it yet, so my insight is based on what I have read thus far. I do want to finish the bible so that I have more knowledge of the religion I have chosen for myself. But you see there's another flaw in it, I want to go figure out my beliefs by incorporation all the other religions and figure out my beliefs for myself, not having someone else or a book telling me exactly what to believe in. I want to rekindle my faith within God, but it's something I want to figure out for myself essentially...
Moreover, I have been more angry within myself. I am usually a very happy person and I love to stay happy because life is so short that there's no reason to waste it with negativity. But it has been little things that have been bugging me. For instance, last night I got really pissed when Tyler had to get off the phone because he was having some sort of issue with a Friend or whatever. Now I haven't' seen him in a while since I have been out of town and I feel like I really haven't gotten a chance to talk to him without interruption, so when he had to get off the phone without like really closing the conversation I was so infuriated. But I don't know, maybe I'm in a really weird funk and that I am being a selfish bitch of a girlfriend for wanting his attention.
In closing, I am no longer confused, but just lost...
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