I'm Lost..

So last night as I was talking to Tyler, our conversation had gotten to the topic of my living situation that I still need to figure out. Just a little background, my Mom has gotten a new job which then means that we need to relocate to Colorado. This move is a hard decision for me because it's my senior year and I would then also be moving away from Tyler. In essence, Tyler's family has offered a place for me to stay with them and so have many other friends of mine along with family members.



In essence, people have been pushing and pulling me in different directions about where I should live and what would be best for me. The majority of my family would like me to move to Colorado because it would better my advances for my career. If I stay where I currently reside then I get to spend my final year of high school with my friends and Tyler.



Back to the conversation of last night, I had said I was confused about the whole living situation dilemma thing I'm in. And Tyler essentially told me that everything will work out and that I need to have my trust in God. So that made me realize that I am not confused, but I am honestly lost.



I have lost my faith within myself and I have lost it within God.



I remember how sure of myself I used to be. I was labeled as one of the over-achieving smart kids at the very beginning of my freshmen year. I will admit that I was smart, I was a gifted violinist without ever taking a private lesson, I was a talented photographer in the darkroom, I would have an answer for almost any question some addressed to me whether I truly knew the answer or not. But now, I do not know where that confidence has gone? I still ask questions but I don't take the knowledge I gain from those questions any further. I am just quiet about my opinions now instead of voicing them like I used to. I just don't know what happened to me as I got older, you'd think I would have gained even more knowledge and confidence but that didn't happen...

As far as my loss of faith in God, I still believe in the entity but I can't make any true sense out of revolving my life around God. I stopped going to church when I was about 15 years old, but if someone ever tells me again that's where my faith stopped that's bull shit. I had lost faith in people, not God. When I ask questions that can not be answered through the bible, I would be shoved away so then I would question it even further but no answer was composed. Therefore I sought no other reason to go to church where I couldn't really learn anything there. Also, don't tell me that I lost my faith because I don't read my bible because I know that's bull shit as well. I see the bible more like Aesop's Fables, how everything is about choosing the right morals to live by. I have read parts of the bible but I have not completed it yet, so my insight is based on what I have read thus far. I do want to finish the bible so that I have more knowledge of the religion I have chosen for myself. But you see there's another flaw in it, I want to go figure out my beliefs by incorporation all the other religions and figure out my beliefs for myself, not having someone else or a book telling me exactly what to believe in. I want to rekindle my faith within God, but it's something I want to figure out for myself essentially...

Moreover, I have been more angry within myself. I am usually a very happy person and I love to stay happy because life is so short that there's no reason to waste it with negativity. But it has been little things that have been bugging me. For instance, last night I got really pissed when Tyler had to get off the phone because he was having some sort of issue with a Friend or whatever. Now I haven't' seen him in a while since I have been out of town and I feel like I really haven't gotten a chance to talk to him without interruption, so when he had to get off the phone without like really closing the conversation I was so infuriated. But I don't know, maybe I'm in a really weird funk and that I am being a selfish bitch of a girlfriend for wanting his attention.

In closing, I am no longer confused, but just lost...

I've Decided...

I've decided that being an artist is my thing. I enjoy creating art and showing the world what I see or hear. I love to compose my own music on my piano or go outside and take pictures.

Now I bring this up because I have been working in an office for the last four days just sitting at a desk drinking coffee and organizin expense reports, installing software, running errands. So I have decided that I don't want this, I don't like sitting at a desk. Most of the time I find myself looking out the window of the office longing to be outside with the world. Atleast this job of mine is far from a cubicle job. I am honored to be temporarily working for a such a wonderful company. The people who run this company are the most wonderful and intelligient people to walk ths planet, and I will cherish eah and everyone of them for eternity.

But I am an explorerer not an entrepreneur

I am an artist not an apprentice

I am a person not a number

I would love to have a solid job with the company I am with at the moment just so that I can build up my financial independence and go see the world with the love of my life. But I will not be stuck at a desk, I will take my laptop and cell phone outside if I have to!

Mix of Church and State?

As I was watching CNN about a week ago or so, a story came up about same sex marriage. Essentially the story came out to being about lawsuits against churchs who refused to perform same sex marriage ceremonies. Now does that make any sense to you? Because to me, I don't understand how a lawsuit like that could even hold up in a court of law, unless it was being held up by the ACLU, who of course brought up the same sex marriage decree in the first place!

So what happened to the little right of religous freedom? Or was it simply forgotten? Or is there another funky loop hole in the system that the ACLU is picking at? With religous freedom, doesn't a church then have the right to refuse a service to someone? Oh and what happened to that overly played statement "seperate church and state?"

Now I am not saying I am for or against same sex marriage, and I am not a regular church attendee. But I do believe in the higher power of which we call God, and I do believe that if two people love each other enough that they want to be joined as one, then so be it(but I do not believe that same sex couples should have the right of artificial insemination[that's another topic I will blog one day]

So give me a break, can one honestly say this would be a justified lawsuit or can one just assume the whole idea is hebetudinous?

I am Personally Disgusted....

Well where do I begin....?

First off, I am very into being able to keep my identity to myself. I take great pride in that. The reason behind that being is I do not want some random person ,such as a stalker or even a government official, having the power to access my e-mail, my name, my IP, my social security, my cell phone number, my aim....and the list goes on.

Well today I was looking through the CNN stories online and found a story about YouTube. Now being a YouTube user I thought to myself that this may be something interesting since I am an active YouTube user from time to time. As I read the article I was not really surprised to what I read but I was still infuriated. Essentially the article said, "A Judge ordered YouTube to produce data on which of its videos get viewed most often and by whom."

Now someone may look at that statement and think that that ruling sounds justified. Well take a look at the bigger picture, this is giving any governement official out there the power to pull information from a data base used worldwide. That means access to e-mail adresses, names, IPs etc. But how can this be justified? Yes this was ruled by a UNITED STATES judge. So what does that mean for the people outside of the U.S. that use YouTube as well? Do those people lose out on their privacy as well? Wel obviously they do since YouTube is now ordered to produce information on any person that uses the video blog.

Now let me ask you this my fellow Americans, are you "cool" with the people that you put into office having the ability to watch your every move? You may think well as long as I am following the law this won't be an issue. Well with more power there is more corruption. Soon the gocernment will record everything someone does but then take a step further by then controlling the people. What I mean by controlling the people would be like placing nation wide curfews, controlling the music we listen to in order to control the public from rebellion, controlling the television shows that mock our government, and controlling any source of entertainment that may lead the people into a revolutionary mind set. So is that the freedom the constitution promises us?

In essence, I can't take this constant prying of privacy anymore, it disgusts me. And I am sure that there is someone working to silence these types a blogs or statements. I personally don't care to change someone else's mindset about the American Government, I am just saying what I think. Now that's a freedom that will most likely be taken away in the future so I am going to exploit this freedom while I can....

Here is the link to the YouTube sotry if you are interested:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/biztech/07/03/youtubelawsuit.ap/index.html